Jesus, Yesterday was Good Friday. Some of us know exactly where we fit in the holy week story. Know exactly how we feel and why. It is visceral. Pumps fast through our veins because we anticipate. We know the ending, and it is unbelievable! "He is risen!" someone says. "He is risen, indeed!" we answer. Maybe I've never been able to trust so easily, to be so sure. Everywhere I turn, my brothers and sisters are speaking confident, holy-sounding things. Profound … [Read more...] about jesus, sometimes i feel lost during holy week
The woman pushed a magic wand hard against my stretch-marked belly. There you appeared, black and white on the screen. Your profile made my thoughts say “little elf,” your nose so delicate. I fixated on the quick rhythm in the middle of this first image – a heart inside my body, but not my heart. I was sure you were a boy. Simply positive. Or positive that I needed you to be a boy. I had no idea how to raise a boy, and it seemed worse having no idea how to … [Read more...] about being born a girl felt like a curse because of abuse. then i met you, my daughter.
My dog and I, we're in a rough patch. Our relationship, I mean. Normally we're real tight, like Oprah and Gayle. I'd road-trip with her in a heartbeat because we've got a lot in common. Both introverts. Both want everyone's table scraps. Both like the outdoors and afghans and UPS packages. We cringe together when the child plays her recorder, but we don't leave the room because we're committed to supporting excruciating art in hopes it will make its way to enjoyable. We … [Read more...] about my dog, happy, looked directly into my soul.
Our pastor reached down and crossed my child’s forehead with a thumb of dark ash. “Remember that you are dust,” she said, “and to dust you shall return.” She stretched up for me next and declared it again. Ain’t that a true story, I thought. I settled back into my seat as the weighty words continued to fall upon those who’d been standing behind me. The rhythm of the phrase filled the old sanctuary with a sobering and holy echo. You know, how a shovelful of earth will … [Read more...] about humanness and sinfulness are not the same thing.
When we discuss the topic lately, I can hear the heavy sighs between my deadpan responses; I sound as stunned as I feel. Talking politics with my nine-year-old has been the ultimate practice in maturity and self-control. I picture myself walking a tightrope, attempting a mindful and rhythmic heel-to-toe, heel-to-toe. I’m trying to keep my cool, but I’m carrying an obnoxiously large balancing pole made of crazy-making emotions. I begin to scream, but only on the inside, … [Read more...] about talking politics with my nine-year-old during inauguration week
Are you aware of anything kept but unworn? Stored but sacred? Imagined but silenced? Possessed but squandered? In your closet? In your cellar? In your mind? Your heart? A piece of clothing? An heirloom? A dream? A relationship? See this picture? This is my gorgeous blue scarf. It is the only gorgeous blue scarf I own. I’m going to spoil the fun and tell you straight away – she is a blazing metaphor. Someone put much heart and care into sewing the … [Read more...] about the time is now (how to avoid regret)
Yesterday, around dinnertime, I decided I was the worst parent on the planet. I do believe feelings are noteworthy at all times. And, after a slew of rapid fire, gone-crazy texts to my husband, he finally replied with a profound, “Stop It,” reminding me how unproductive these feelings can be if not married to 1) facts, and 2) a brain. (P.S. I was also the worst spouse there ever was.) Have you ever been a fly on your own wall, watching yourself parent? There are so many … [Read more...] about when you feel like the worst parent on the planet (there’s still hope)
THE MUSIC Spotify happened. First up was Larnelle Harris. With this, Kyle (husband) turned nostalgic recalling holiday drives to visit his grandparents. It was a sweet moment, and then he lost me at “Sandy Patty.” Next was Jewel’s first Christmas album, which included Kyle’s rendition of her weird vibrato. This induced the silent, mouth-gaping, head back laughter that makes your belly wiggle up and down. “Ave Maria” was a definite high point – not just because we … [Read more...] about christmas decorating day: the highlight reel
I love you. Oh, how I do. I see you, too. Know you. I am you. And life is not about weight. I would like to believe the twenty years I thought otherwise was the exact length of time I needed to be able to say this with some stank on it. Way down in my jiggly gut, I am lovingly and infuriatingly rebelling against the torturous cultural striving to be encapsulated defined described pimped identified by … [Read more...] about to the women ruled by weight
Dear God, I haven’t written in this journal for a while. My daddy told me it’s a good way to talk to you. I think I’ll tell you about my week. Well, first, I don't know if I told you this before, but I like to smile at myself in the bathroom mirror! I have crooked teeth but Mom says they are special like my very own style. My parents love how I sing and dance from room to room (but not when I’m running late for school). Shelby is my imaginary friend (I’m sure you … [Read more...] about dear god – am i a good body or a bad one?